I have offended my taste buds. Seems they don’t love being called bratty. They sat me down and told me a thing or two. Here’s how it went:
MBTBs: You are hurting our feelings. We don’t like being called bratty.
Me: (Didn’t I just say that?)
MBTBs: If we’re bratty, it’s because you’re a wimp.
Me: I get it. You don’t like to be called names. I don’t either. Truce?
MBTBs: No. You started this war and we think you need to hear some things before there can be a truce.
Me: Well …. Okay … does it have anything to do with me being a so-called wimp?
MBTBs: It has a LOT to do with you being a wimp. You remember the days when you just SAT AROUND all day?
Me: I NEVER sat around all day! I was a working mom of three! Not only that, I was a teacher! I worked looooong hours and had to be in the car for hours each week getting to and from work, and when I got home I had to grade papers, and prepare new lessons, and make phone calls to parents, and do report cards AND cook dinner for the family, and help my own children with homework and drive them to events, AND do work for my online master’s classes, AND —
MBTBs: Whoa! We didn’t say you weren’t busy! We applaud your work ethic and all, but …
Me: But WHAT?!
MBTBs: But … while you were so busy taking care of everyone and everything else, we were taking advantage of you.
Me: But why? Why would you do that?
MBTBs: Hey. You’re forgetting that YOU are the one with the brain! We’re just little sensory organs. Your big, powerful brain LET us take advantage! That brain you think is so evolved … is a WIMP!
Me: OK, you’re going to have to explain that one.
MBTBs: As we started to say … remember those days when you just sat around all day? We know you were busy, but your body was basically a blob being moved around by mechanical devices and sitting in front of electronic devices …
Me: Hmmmm. My car. My computer. My TV.
MBTBs: Aha! When you were ranting about all your hard work, you forgot to mention your favorite pastime … watching TV!
Me: Well, it was so handy, and I could do some of my schoolwork in front of it and it gave my mind a little break from more stressful thoughts, and sometimes it made me laugh … and these aren’t BAD things, are they?
MBTBs: Hey, we don’t judge. We’re just here to tell you the facts, ma’am. Fact is: we, your so-called bratty taste buds, were only doing what you asked us to do.
Me: Really? I was asking you to stuff my face with so much food that I came very close to hitting the 200 pound mark? I was asking you to scream and cry until I gave in and gobbled cake and cookies and doughnuts and second helpings of everything? I was asking you to make me think of food when I wasn’t even hungry? I was asking you to take one little sniff of freshly baking bread and go bonkers on me? I was asking you to ——
Me: (Blank stare)
MBTBs: We can see by your blank stare that you don’t get it.
Me: (Blank stare)
MBTBs: OK, breathe girl! And listen. Add this up: body sitting around all day + relatively unlimited supply of tantalizing food = (pause, pause, pause) …?
Me: (Blank stare and furrowed brow)
Me: (furrowed brow)
MBTBs: OMG! No wonder we’ve been in control for so long. The part of your brain that regulates health is apparently dormant.
MBTBs: OK, let’s try this. You’re familiar with the Law of Inertia, right?
Me: A body at rest will remain at rest unless acted upon by an outside force.
Me: Are you saying that because I was “resting” my body so much, it just wanted to keep on sitting around?
MBTBs: And eating. To make sure that it could just keep resting. Because moving around got harder and harder. That’s when you became a total wimp.
Me: Hmmmmmm. When I started having lots of back problems. And knee problems. And hip pain. And I just wanted to keep sitting because it hurt to move.
MBTBs: Don’t think we aren’t sympathetic … we are human after all. But we just don’t want to be blamed for stuff that you caused.
Me: OK. I’m starting to get it. You thought that since I was just “sitting around” so much of the time that’s what I wanted. So you *encouraged* me to eat. So I could keep sitting. You were just trying to make me happy. I guess I owe you an apology.
MBTBs: Apology accepted. But don’t forget … there is another part to the inertia thing.
Me: Oh, yeah. A body in motion will remain in motion unless acted upon by an outside force.
MBTBs: And you HAVE been getting a lot more motion in your life. Those Crossfit workouts are impressive. At least, the fact that you do your best in them is impressive. Ever since you have been moving your body more, we have been behaving better, don’t you think?
Me: Wow. I’m not sure. We’ve been at war for so long, I don’t know that I can really trust you. There have been so many times you have led me to food when my body didn’t really need it that I am not sure I know yet when I’m hungry or just trying to please you.
MBTBs: (Blushing a little)
Me: So you kind of enjoy taunting me a little, right?
MBTBs: (Blushing a lot)
Me: OK, here are my terms for a truce. Term 1: I don’t have to change the name of my blog. Term 2: Henceforth, the term “bratty” is used with complete respect, in light of all I have put you through. Term 3: Try to work on your brattiness.
MBTBs: Agreed. Now, how long has your body been at rest in front of this electronic device?
Me: Right. I’d better get moving! But first, can I get you a snack?
MBTBs: Thanks for asking! We’d like a Krispy Kreme original doughnut please! Or two …
Me: How about some fresh spinach sautéed in a slight amount of olive oil, a scrambled egg, and some Ezekiel cinnamon bread topped with almond butter, all washed down with a glass of almond/coconut milk infused with chia seeds?
MBTBs: (Humbled). Actually … that sounds better! Maybe we can be trained …
(To be continued)